Trauma-Informed Coaching: Language Matters
Effective coaching and leadership create a space of safety, trust, and empowerment—not pressure, dismissal, or forced healing. Certain phrases, even when well-intended, can come across as invalidating, triggering, or disempowering. This guide breaks down what NOT to say in coaching or leadership—and what to say instead to foster genuine growth, support, and confidence.
1. “Everything happens for a reason.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: This phrase spiritualizes pain and implies that trauma was “meant to be.”
✅ Instead, say: “I hear you. That sounds really difficult.”
2. “At least it wasn’t worse.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Trauma isn’t a competition. This minimizes someone’s pain.
✅ Instead, say: “It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”
3. “You should just let it go.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Healing doesn’t happen on demand. This can make people feel like they’re failing.
✅ Instead, say: “You’re allowed to heal at your own pace.”
4. “We don’t talk about race or politics here.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Trauma is often connected to identity and systemic oppression.
✅ Instead, say: “This is a space where we respect and acknowledge different lived experiences.”
5. “You’re so strong—look how much you’ve been through!”
❌ Why it’s harmful: This reinforces survival mode instead of acknowledging their need for care.
✅ Instead, say: “You deserve support and rest, too.”
6. “That happened so long ago—why is it still affecting you?”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Trauma has no expiration date.
✅ Instead, say: “Trauma can stay with us in unexpected ways. You’re not alone in this.”
7. “I know exactly how you feel.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: No two people experience trauma the same way.
✅ Instead, say: “I can’t fully understand your experience, but I’m here to listen.”
8. “If you really wanted to heal, you’d try ___.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Suggesting a “correct” way to heal adds pressure.
✅ Instead, say: “There are many paths to healing, and you get to choose yours.”
9. “You just need to be positive.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Toxic positivity shuts down real emotions.
✅ Instead, say: “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling right now.”
10. “Let’s keep things light.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: This suggests difficult emotions aren’t welcome.
✅ Instead, say: “This is a space where all emotions are welcome.”
11. “Tell us more about that.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Pressuring someone to share more than they’re ready for can feel invasive.
✅ Instead, say: “Share as much or as little as feels right for you.”
12. “We don’t do victim mentality here.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: This phrase shames people for struggling and acknowledging pain.
✅ Instead, say: “We honor all emotions here, and your experiences are valid.”
13. “You’re doing it to yourself.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: This blames people for their trauma responses instead of recognizing survival mechanisms.
✅ Instead, say: “It makes sense that you’ve developed these coping strategies.”
14. “Just breathe.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Some trauma survivors feel more anxious when focusing on their breath.
✅ Instead, say: “Would grounding or movement feel supportive right now?”
15. “This space is completely safe.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Safety is subjective—telling someone they are safe doesn’t make it so.
✅ Instead, say: “We aim to create as much safety as possible, and you can engage however feels comfortable.”
16. “Let’s leave the past behind.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Healing isn’t about ignoring the past—it’s about integrating it.
✅ Instead, say: “Your past experiences matter, and you get to decide how they shape your future.”
17. “We all have trauma.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: This minimizes individual experiences.
✅ Instead, say: “Everyone’s experience is different, and we’re here to honor yours.”
18. “Try not to get emotional.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Trauma-informed spaces must allow full emotional expression without shame.
✅ Instead, say: “All emotions are welcome here.”
19. “What’s your biggest trauma?”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Trauma-informed spaces do not require disclosure.
✅ Instead, say: “You’re welcome to share whatever feels relevant to your journey.”
20. “You have to forgive to heal.”
❌ Why it’s harmful: Forgiveness can be healing, but it is not required.
✅ Instead, say: “Healing looks different for everyone, and you get to define what that means for you.”
Final Thoughts
Trauma-informed group coaching is about holding space, not fixing people. The way we speak shapes the experience of healing, and small shifts in language can make a huge difference. Which of these stood out to you? Let’s keep building safer, more compassionate coaching spaces together.