Dating Equity: Why Splitting the Bill Isn’t Fair (Even in Queer Relationships)
There’s a common idea floating around modern dating: if two people make similar incomes, shouldn’t they split the bill? It sounds logical, responsible, and even kind of like 1970s progressive. But the reality? Dating should about equity.
Because women—especially women of color—carry financial, emotional, and social costs in dating that men rarely consider. And expecting an even financial split while ignoring those hidden costs isn’t fairness—it’s a fundamental misunderstanding of how dating, gender roles, and power dynamics work.
And for lesbian relationships (and queer relationships in general), the “who pays?” conversation is even more layered. Without strict gender norms dictating financial roles, many LGBTQ+ couples build more flexible financial systems—but they’re still influenced by cultural expectations, class differences, and socialized behaviors around money.
So let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about why splitting the bill isn’t always fair, why it’s okay to expect financial investment from a partner, and why true financial equality isn’t just about numbers—but about the bigger picture of what it costs to be a woman in this world.
Equality vs. Equity in Dating
Most of us understand the difference between equality and equity in the workplace.
Equality is when everyone is given the same resources or treatment. The reality is that nobody has the same situation.
Equity is when those resources are adjusted based on historical disadvantages, systemic barriers, and invisible labor.
Now, let’s apply that to dating.
In reality?
Women are expected to invest heavily in their appearance.
Women take on more unpaid emotional labor in relationships.
Women face greater financial disadvantages over a lifetime.
Women experience more risk when dating — physically, emotionally, and financially.
So, while some people think they’re being fair by saying, “We both work, we should both pay,”—they’re ignoring the much bigger cost that women pay every single day.
The Hidden Costs of Being a Woman in Dating
Most of the financial conversations in dating only focus on the bill at dinner. But what about everything that happens before and after?
1. The Cost of “Looking Date-Ready”
“Men” may hop into the shower, shave, put a bit of hair product in, and call it a day.
Women? That’s a whole other story.
Hair – A woman’s haircut, styling, or maintenance can cost anywhere from $50 to $500, depending on hair type and texture. For Black, South Asian, and East Asian women, salon costs for protective styles, color correction, or straightening treatments add up fast.
Skincare & Makeup – Not optional. Women are socially pressured to have clear, glowing skin. And while men can show up with a five o’clock shadow and call it “rugged,” women are expected to appear effortlessly put together.
Clothing – A new outfit? Shoes? Society expects women to be “polished”—which means constantly investing in their wardrobe.
None of this is about vanity. It’s about how women are perceived. A woman who doesn’t “try” is often judged as lazy, unprofessional, or unappealing, while a man doing the same is seen as low-maintenance.
And in lesbian relationships? There’s no “default” person who is expected to pay—but the costs of womanhood still exist. Femme-presenting women still experience these financial burdens, whether they’re dating a man, a woman, or a nonbinary person.
2. The Emotional & Mental Labor of Dating
Money isn’t the only currency in relationships—time, emotional energy, and effort all count.
And women spend a disproportionate amount of time making dating “work.”
Women are expected to plan, organize, and nurture relationships.
Women are more likely to adjust their schedules to accommodate a date.
Women spend more time texting, engaging, and creating emotional intimacy.
In lesbian relationships, these dynamics can shift—but not always. If one partner is more traditionally “feminine,” she may still feel more expected to be the nurturer, the planner, the one who makes things run smoothly.
Money aside, emotional labor should be recognized as a form of contribution.
3. The Long-Term Financial Disadvantages Women Face
Even when partners start off making the same amount of money, the financial playing field isn’t level over time.
The Gender Pay Gap – Women still earn less than men for the same work, and women of color experience an even greater wage gap.
The Motherhood Penalty – Women are more likely to pause or scale back their careers for caregiving, which affects long-term earnings and retirement savings.
The “Pink Tax” – Women pay more for everyday essentials, from razors to dry cleaning to personal care products.
So even in queer relationships where there’s no man involved, financial disparities can exist—especially if one partner has had more access to financial security or career stability than the other.
Why It’s Okay to Expect a Partner to Invest Financially
A woman declining to split the bill isn’t about “entitlement”—it’s about balancing out the much larger financial weight she carries in life.
It’s about recognizing that dating costs women more than it costs men.
It’s about saying, “If I’m expected to invest in myself to make this date happen, I expect you to invest in me too.”
It’s about acknowledging that women already give so much unpaid labor—and financial generosity is a way to level the playing field
In lesbian relationships, there may not be “a man to pay,” but the question remains: How do you make financial expectations feel fair, given the different financial realities each person brings?
Fair doesn’t mean equal pay. It means balanced.
The Bottom Line: Money in Dating Isn’t Just About the Check
We live in a world where women are expected to invest in themselves constantly—but when we expect financial investment from a partner, it suddenly becomes “unfair. That’s the real issue.
So the next time someone asks to split everything, you could say:
“Would you still be as interested in dating me if I didn’t invest in my appearance the way I do?”
“Are you factoring in the cost of my Ubers, outfits, and safety when considering what’s ‘fair’?”
“Just curious—why is fairness only measured in dollars for you?”
Because being a woman is an expensive financial commitment.
A woman choosing not to split the bill isn’t about entitlement. It’s about equity.
And in all relationships—straight, queer, or otherwise—money should be a conversation, not a fight.
The goal isn’t to be perfectly even—it’s to respect the full financial and emotional investments both people bring.