The Hidden Cycle: How Abused Mothers Harm Their Children
When abused mothers lose control of their own lives, they often reclaim it through strict parenting, emotional manipulation, or overprotection—continuing a cycle of trauma. Explore how domestic abuse impacts moms, the hidden costs on children, and how to start to break free from generational patterns of control.
Domestic abuse is often framed as an issue between two adults—one the abuser, the other the victim. But the reality is far more complicated, and its effects don’t stop at the couple involved. Children raised in homes with domestic violence aren’t just witnesses—they’re collateral damage. In many cases, the abused mother, stripped of power and autonomy in her relationship, regains control in the only place she can: over her children.
This isn’t to say that all abused women become abusive parents. Many fight against the cycle, doing everything in their power to protect their children. But for those without proper support or intervention, the trauma of being controlled, belittled, or beaten by a partner often manifests in their own parenting. Control becomes their coping mechanism.
And that control can take many forms—strictness, overprotection, emotional manipulation, even outright abuse. These mothers are not villains. They are survivors acting out learned behaviors in a desperate attempt to reclaim some sense of stability in an unstable world.
But that doesn’t mean their children don’t suffer.
How Abuse Transforms Motherhood
A woman in an abusive relationship often has little to no control over her own life. Her time, finances, body, and even her emotional responses may be dictated by her partner. She is constantly managing danger, walking on eggshells to avoid setting off the next explosion.
Her children, however, are one of the few things she can control. This may not be conscious, but when everything else feels unpredictable, some women grip tightly to whatever stability they can find—often at the cost of their children’s well-being.
Between 3.3 million and 10 million children witness domestic violence every year. Many of these children will later report emotional neglect, harsh discipline, or even physical abuse from their mothers. (RCDVCPC)
More than 50% of mothers in abusive relationships report using controlling or severe discipline on their children. (Journal of Family Psychology)
Children exposed to domestic violence are 15 times more likely to experience abuse themselves. (CDC)
So what does this control look like?
Forms of Maternal Control
When an abused mother turns her pain outward, it often manifests in a few ways:
1. Hyper-Control & Perfectionism
For some mothers, perfection is protection. If she can raise a child who is flawless—obedient, quiet, high-achieving—maybe, just maybe, they will avoid suffering like she has.
This can look like:
Harsh rules about grades, behavior, and appearance
Zero tolerance for mistakes or disobedience
Forcing children into activities that make the mother look good
💬 Example: Mariah Carey’s mother, Patricia Carey, was a white opera singer who had a turbulent marriage with Mariah’s Black father. She raised Mariah in an environment of strictness and emotional detachment, prioritizing discipline over warmth. Even as Mariah rose to fame, her mother reportedly undermined her success, making passive-aggressive comments that left Mariah feeling unsupported.
2. Emotional Manipulation & Guilt
Other mothers become emotionally enmeshed with their children. If they can’t control their partner, they will make sure their child never abandons them.
This can look like:
✔ Guilt-tripping (“After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”)
✔ Making children responsible for their emotions (“If you leave, I don’t know what I’ll do.”)
✔ Over-sharing (Using children as therapists instead of letting them be kids)
💬 Example: Britney Spears and her mother, Lynne Spears. Lynne has long claimed to be Britney’s protector, but when Britney was placed under an abusive conservatorship, Lynne stood by. Britney later accused her mother of gaslighting her into thinking she needed the conservatorship in the first place. The blurred boundaries of their relationship—mother as confidante, but also manipulator—are common in abusive family dynamics.
3. Overprotection & Hypervigilance
Some mothers turn their own trauma into paranoia, becoming so fearful of harm that they restrict their children’s ability to live normal lives.
This can look like:
Extreme monitoring (Controlling friendships, tracking their every move)
Overreaction to minor mistakes (“You embarrassed me in front of everyone!”)
Instilling fear of the world (“You can’t trust anyone.”)
💬 Example: Kate Gosselin, from Jon & Kate Plus 8, has been publicly accused by her son Collin of being overly controlling, physically abusive, and emotionally harsh. Raised in the aftermath of a highly publicized divorce, Kate’s parenting took on a strict, militaristic tone that alienated some of her children.
Why Women of Color Face Even More Pressure
While domestic abuse crosses all racial, cultural, and economic lines, women of color face added layers of pressure that make these dynamics even more intense.
Black mothers: Often feel forced into over-disciplining their children to protect them from systemic racism and police violence. This pressure can blur the line between discipline and emotional harm.
Latina mothers: Are often raised with “familismo” (family first) values, which can make leaving an abusive relationship even harder due to the shame of breaking up the family.
South Asian mothers: Many experience financial abuse in arranged or dependent marriages, leaving them without an escape. Control over children can become the only power they have left.
East Asian mothers: Filial piety (deep respect for elders) can make it difficult for East Asian women to break cycles of emotional control, as suffering is often framed as a duty.
💬 Example: Jeannie Mai, TV host and personality, has spoken about growing up with a Vietnamese mother who used intense discipline and guilt to control her. This was rooted in generational trauma and the need to raise a “respectable” daughter in an immigrant household.
Breaking the Cycle: How We Fix This
This issue isn’t just about pointing fingers at mothers. It’s about understanding how trauma, survival, and cultural expectations shape parenting.
1. Recognizing the Pattern
If you grew up with an abused mother, ask yourself:
Did she control me in ways that felt too strict or guilt-inducing?
Did she confide in me too much about adult problems?
Did I feel like I had to protect or emotionally care for her?
2. Therapy & Support
For mothers breaking free from abuse, trauma-informed parenting programs can help.
Domestic violence survivor support groups
Online communities that discuss intergenerational trauma
Therapy for children who grew up in these homes
3. Challenging Cultural Norms
Questioning strict parenting can lead to your own family’s healing.
Setting boundaries with extended family
Challenging outdated beliefs about discipline
Educating children about healthy emotional expression
Final Thoughts: Pain Shouldn’t Be Inherited
A mother who controls her children isn’t always abusive—sometimes, she’s just a woman trying to survive.
But if we want to stop the cycle, we have to stop accepting trauma as part of parenting.
Because pain is inevitable. Passing it down doesn’t have to be.
And also, let’s please give her oodles of credit if she left her abuser.