Domestic Abuse Survivors Deserve Compassion at Work
Domestic abuse profoundly impacts lives
It affects survivors' presence and ability to advocate for themselves. At work, it undermines their relationships, performance, and career outlook. Survivors often feel haunted by their abusers, who creep into all aspects of their lives like unrelenting zombies. Read this—it could change lives, perhaps even your own.
I wish I knew that I could stop domestic abuse from haunting me in my career.
I grew up with a strict dad—authoritarian, critical, and all about control. He made me feel my needs didn't matter, and standing up for myself only brought punishment. That's something I carry with me.
I wish I knew that I could stop domestic abuse from haunting me in my career. A few years back, when I was doing well in a job and respected by my client and team…I noticed my manager's aggressive streak. Being a survivor of domestic abuse, I'm extra sensitive to aggression. When I tried setting boundaries, she turned even more cruel. It felt like I was in a haunted house, reliving my childhood. It was yet another time when my karmic lesson popped up: trust my intuition from the start.
These days, I prioritize what my intuition tells me, which can be a challenge because I prefer to think it will all work out. Things started to click when I started ICF coach training two years ago. As coaches, we learned the answers lie within us. We just need safe spaces to make sense of them. I now feel like I'm in charge of my destiny and noticing my mom become more empowered at home, too.
As coaches, we learned the answers lie within us. We just need safe spaces to make sense of them.
How to create safe spaces for survivors
Understand common challenges for survivors
Inconsistent Performance: Emotional distress and physical injuries can lead to decreased concentration and clarity of thought. And shame and fear about not being supported make it more challenging to ask for the help they deserve.
Strained Relationships: Erratic behavior due to physical, emotional, or financial violence may strain interactions with supervisors, especially if there is already a significant power imbalance. Colleagues may also unconsciously treat the survivor differently through misplaced pity or resentment.
Mental Health Issues: Anxiety, depression, and even PTSD are common, often requiring ongoing professional support. Whether it's a lunchtime gym class or weekly therapy, this type of self-care isn't given a hall pass like daily school drop-offs and pickups.
Physical Health: The physical impacts of domestic violence, such as widespread pain, can linger for years if not addressed soon enough. And ongoing physical pain impacts mental health.
Tips for being a better ally
Leadership Enforcement: A company's culture is only as good as its current leaders. Senior leaders and HR must educate and gain alignment with those who need to be more supportive.
More Flexible Work: Allowing for varied hours or remote work can provide safety and comfort for survivors. Flexibility is highly beneficial when a person's safety is at risk.
Trauma-Informed Training: Since mental health has been a hot topic, all employee training should be through a trauma-informed lens. Trainers can expand case studies to include discussions of how both home & work may impact a person's mental health.
Employee Programs: Larger companies offer EAPs with temporary counseling, legal assistance, and other support services. Some take it a step further with coaching programs and brave spaces. Even a smaller business has low-cost options.
Practical steps for self-care if you are a survivor
Take Breaks: Preserve your sanity, and don't defend your right to take your legal breaks. So what if your boss would freak out if they knew you went to a yoga class or had lunch with a friend? They legally cannot keep tabs on your time off, including vacations.
Seek True Allies: Maybe you don't have the support you need in your inner circle. Expand it to include people who will have your back. There are many of us, and we need each other.
Engage Professionals: You will need several safe spaces to help you help you become aware of how your thoughts interact with your feelings and body. There are many options: CBT, EMDR, coaching, yoga, support groups, bodywork, etc.
Know Your Rights: Understanding your legal rights can empower you to change your situation without adding more distress. In addition to federal laws, each state has its own rules for recording and reporting abuse and what safety and support employers must offer.